Inner Beast: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Read online

  Marcus was right. I need closure. Somehow my own personal relationship from a decade ago is now everyones business. I gather my things and round my desk to leave the office. The guys wave to me as I walk out and I smile and wave back. Once out on the street I take a deep breath and start planning how this will happen. I deleted all of his messages so I don’t have his number anymore. I would never dare as Marcus for it. Although he told me to essentially figure out my shit I doubt he wants to hand me his number to do it. I really only have one other option and the thought of that makes me want to throw up.

  I have to call my mother.

  Marcus.

  It took everything in me not to turn around and go back in there. I had so much pent up energy and anger at myself that my arms tingled. I wanted to pick up the desk between us and throw it across the room. I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her she was mine, that she would always be mine. The rational side of my brain won. The stupid idiotic side of me that knows she needs to heal herself before she can commit to me. I have made the biggest risk of all time and there is no guarantee that she will come back to me.

  The way she looked at him comes crashing back to me and I can’t help but shake my head at myself. Thankfully we have our first game this weekend and I know my mind will be preoccupied. I need the game to distract me, I need to plow into people on the field to run and feel free. The distraction will be welcoming.

  I hope into my truck on the curb site and speed to the stadium, I need to get as far away from her as I can before I change my mind. Before I put my needs and my urges ahead of what she truly needs.

  Alexis

  I sit on the couch and stare at my phone sitting on the table in front of me. This is the worst phone call of all time. I never call her, calling her will be harder than calling him. I groan throwing my head into my hands, bobbing my legs up and down. I look back to the phone again. I stand up and walk away from the living room, grabbing my toothbrush then walking back into the room and staring at my phone while I brush my teeth. I go back to the bathroom rinse my toothbrush sit out the toothpaste and then walk back into the living room. The phone still sits there, as if it was going to do the calling for me. Talk to her for me, if only it was that easy. I walk back over to the couch and sit down, I reach down and pick it up. I take a deep breath than push the name.

  MOM. I hope the phone up to my ear listening to it.

  Ring, Ring, Ring.

  I stare up to the ceiling praying to anyone listening that she doesn’t answer the phone and I can take it as a sign.

  Ring….

  “Hello, Alexis is that you?” She says. I know she has Caller ID, this is the twenty-first century. She knows it is me.

  “Yes mom, it’s me.” I say rolling my eyes. Trying to hold it together.

  “Make it quick I’m just on my way to a meeting regarding a case.” She demands.

  I take a deep breath and just blurt it out.

  “I need Carters number and was hoping you would give it to me.” I say quickly.

  Silence impedes the line. I pull the phone away from my face and see that the time continues to count indicating she hasn’t hung up. I hear rustling on the line so I put the phone back to my ear.

  “I shared his contact information with you. You should receive it to your phone via text any minute.” She says. “Was that all?”

  Jesus I think. This woman is so cold, no one witnessing this call on her side would ever guess that she was talking to her child, her only child which is a blessing.

  “Yes mom. Thank you.” I say to her.

  “Very well. I have to go now. Take care.” She says.

  I open my mouth to respond but I hear the line go dead. I pull the phone away from my face again and see that she has hung up. I take another deep breath and my phone beeps. I look at the screen and see the text from her with an attachment. I toss my phone on the couch and shake the tension out of my arms.

  I decide to take a shower before I call him. I need to relax and unwind. There are only so many battles one can face in a day. Being broken up with then having to call my mother. I think most people would break and surprisingly I have kept things together quite well I think.

  I walk into the shower and scrub myself raw with my apple vanilla body wash. Then I scrub my hair and scalp until I feel refreshed, clean. Slightly red, I may have order done it. I walk out of the shower and pat myself dry. I throw the towel into my hair wrapping it up, then I walk into the bedroom and open up the drawer with all my robes in it. I draw my fingers alone the satin then decide on the black one. As I wrap my body in the silkiness I can’t help but think of Marcus. I feel dirty again so I strip the robe back off and decide on a shorts and a baggy t-shirt.

  I can’t call Carter while wearing a gift from another man. It doesn’t feel right. I walk back into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine the walk back into the living room. I sit down on the couch and set my glass down on the table. Then take the towel out of my hair, squeezing any water that remains out of it. I stare back at the phone and pick up the wine taking a large gulp. I think lean back over and pick up my phone clicking on the text from my mother and then on the attachment that says CARTER TAYLOR. After clicking on his name a series of things pop up. His address, is emails, his phone numbers. I stare at all the information. It's the most I’ve known about him in a long time. I push the first number on the list and put the phone to my ear.

  Ring, Ring, Ring. Ring. BEEP.

  There is an annoying prompt about the person not being available to take the call then another loud obnoxious BEEP.

  “Hi Carter. It’s Ali. Please call me back.” I say.

  I hang up. He has my numbers. He has all of my numbers. I decide to leave it at that. I set my phone back down on the table and pick up the remote to the television. As I’m channel surfing I hear my phone vibrating on the table. I look down and see his name light up the screen. The nerves finally hit me. When I called him I felt more in control of the situation. Answering the phone makes my feel uneasy. I reach out for the phone and slide to answer quickly before I change my mind.

  “Hello. Alexis speaking.” I say.

  “Ali.” Carter says.

  He sounds pained.

  “Carter.” I say staring up to the ceiling. Then closing my eyes.

  “I didn’t think you would call.” He says.

  “I wasn’t going to.” I say back.

  “I’m glad you did.” I can hear him breathing deeply on the other side of the phone and it draws me in. We're both silent, probably both afraid to say the wrong thing. My heart aches and I try to remind myself of the betrayal, the lies, the cheating.

  “We should talk.” I finally say to him.

  “Yes, I know.” He says. “But I would prefer to do this in person.” He says. A moment passes before he says. “Ali I can hear you sighing. I know you're contemplating the pros and cons. Just please, can we please do this in person.” He says.

  The way he still understands me after all this time brings me both joy and sadness.

  “OK.” I say to him.

  “Can we meet tonight?” He asks.

  I look down at myself I am no where near ready to go anywhere.

  “Ali?” He whispers.

  “Yes.” I say to him. “We can meet tonight.”

  We decide on a place to meet and I quickly get to work blowdrying my hair, then putting in some soft curls. Then I apply some natural soft looking make up that makes it seem like I’m not trying when I'm very obviously trying. I grab one of my black casual cocktail dresses and a pair of silver strappy sandals.

  I turn and look into the mirror smoothing out my dress and fixing my lipstick. Then I back up from the mirror, grab my purse and leave the apartment. Determined to figure out what everyone else knows but me.

  Chapter 22

  Carter

  When I looked at my phone and saw the missed call I thought there had to b
e a mistake. I checked the number several times each time thinking I had to have messed something up but nope, that was the number that Annalise Jenkins gave to me. I pressed on the number and put the phone to my ear unsure of what to say. I’ve searched for her for so long, recited what I would say to her over and over. I have had time to perfect this speech and yet the words have escaped me. When she answers the phone my tongue retracts in my mouth and I feel like I’m about to choke on it.

  Ali: “Hello, Alexis speaking.”

  Hearing he voice and hearing it come out so confident and unwavered has be feeling like she moved on long ago. Which she was aloud, she was aloud to move on with her life after what she thought I did to her. It’s been a decade and I hold nothing against her or the live she built for herself. The selfish side of me hoped though that what we had meant more, that I was impossible to give up or move on after. I can’t come up with the words the only thing I can say is her name. Beg with her name.

  “Ali.” I say.

  I wait for an eternity wishing I could reach through the phone and touch her. Make her remember the good parts, dissolve the hate, mistrust and the past away. Make her see.

  “Carter.” She says back to me. Her voice has changed. The sureness and the stability are now gone, replaced with a raw feeling, that is all I can hear now.

  I’m still speechless, not wanting to say the wrong thing. I’m so close to having her hang up on me. She has all the power in this situation so I tread carefully.

  “I didn’t think you would call.” I tell her. It’s the complete truth, I didn’t think she would call. I thought I would live with this suffrage for life. Knowing she hates me for things that were untrue, for a story my parents concocted. When she says the next words my heart shatters all over again.

  “I wasn’t going to.” …… She wasn’t going to call be back. Reassurance hits me that she had moved on. That after all these years she put my aside and I was something she never wanted to look back on. But then I think to myself. She did call back.

  “I’m glad you did.” I tell her. Trying to think of something to say to her. The right thing. I can’t explain everything over the phone. It seems to detached and she deserves better, but I’m afraid to spook her. To push her to quickly and ask for more when this is the most I’ve gotten in years.

  “She should talk.” She says and she is right. This is the whole reason I started reaching out. To talk. So I hold my breath and tell her, tell her it needs to be in person.

  “Yes I know….. but I would prefer to do this in person.” I pause and wait for her to reply but all I can hear is her sighs and the possibility of her regretting this conversation so I speak up quickly. “Ali I can hear you sighing. I know you're contemplating the pros and cons. Just please, can we please do this in person.”

  I suck in a breath, unsure of what she will say.

  “OK.” She says.

  She said ok, hope flutters in my stomach and I can’t help but smile. Which is ridiculous because this means nothing, and yet it means so much.

  “Can we meet tonight?” I ask her. She doesn’t respond right away. The smile falls from my face so I pull the phone away from my ear and can see she is still on the line.

  “Ali?” I say quietly.

  “Yes.” She finally says. “We can meet tonight.”

  The smile instantly returns to my face because even after all this time I know she now has feelings for me still. She has to or else she would have said no. She wouldn’t have agreed to meet up with me in person. She wouldn’t have even given me this much time of day.

  After we are done figuring out where we will meet and the exact time I hop into the shower and change into some casual yet versatile. I’m wearing my fitted dress pants with a cashmere sweater. The place we have chosen to meet is known to be trendy and I don’t want her looking at me like I could have tried harder. I also don’t want to show up in a full fitted suit and look like I’ve tried to hard. I leave the hotel and catch a cab to the restaurant.

  Chapter 23

  Alexis

  I get to the restaurant that we agreed upon and stand outside for a few minutes working up the courage to walk in and see the man that held my heart for so many years. I don’t know how to talk to him. We were never really friends and our whole existence was spend talking to each other like two people who were curious of one another and who loved one another. We never had the breakup talk, it was implied and we never communicated afterwards until now. How do I greet him? Do we shake hands? How do we deal will the silence and what topics are off limits? Does he have a family now, does he have kids. Did he move on. Was it with Courtney? The answer to that one might ruin me for the rest of my days. The fact that he still holds such a part of me is shocking, but if I plan to move on in my life I need to push into the restaurant and make the effort. I look down and smooth out my outfit one last time before walking in and greeting the hostess. A slim brunette in a fitted black outfit. She knows as soon as I say my name where to take me. Which means he is here. I walk behind her, feeling uneasy and out of place. As much as I need to be here, I just don’t want to be. I’m full of fear over how the evening will go.

  We weave through the tables until I spot him and his penetrating blue gaze. My body instantly breaks out in shivers. As I walk up to the table I’m oblivious of the hostess, I no longer know if she’s even here. The tables around me have faded off. My sole focus is now on what’s right in front of me. Carter stands from the table, the look on his face remains full of pain. He takes his time looking at me, his eyes roaming down my body then back up to my eyes. His arm reaches up and his fingers brush through his hair. His shorter blonde hair.

  “Did you recently cut your hair?” I ask him

  “Uh, yah.” He says. “How did you know?”

  “Your reaching up to move hair that’s not long enough to move.” I point out, regretting the words. A soft smile pulls at one side of his mouth and I feel myself relaxing. I reach out for the chair, pulling it out and sitting down across from him. Carter sits down once I’m seating. Simultaneously we both reach out for our waters taking a drink, sneaking glances at one another as we do. Catching each other in the act the entire time.

  I set down my glass, looking across the table. Admiring the changes, he has filled out. His clothes are fitted, his cashier sweater shows each ridge underneath. He looks dashing. Blonde, blue eyes, built, and a cheater I remind myself. I feel my face fall, defeated before the evening even started.

  “A lawyer….” I say looking down at my napkin, playing with the edges and then moving my silverware to align perfectly centred. I look back up to him. “What made you choose that?”

  “It wasn’t the original plan.” He says taking another drink of his water then he sets his glass down directing his attention towards me. “My whole life I wanted to go pro with hockey. I wanted to follow the dream. The one we had come up with together.” He looks sad.

  My heart bangs with pain. My stomach churns and my limps feels like they have little electricity blots are zipping through them. He continues on, looking me in the eyes.

  “I never cheated.” He says. His chest falling,“There were a series of things that made it seem like I cheated on you and my parents monopolized on it. My dad had always pushed me to go pro. He made sure I was in all the best hockey camps, he came to a majority of my games, made sure that I had the right gear and coaching. It was as much his dream as it was mine. When I prioritized you over the game it made him angry. He thought I was throwing away my career. He wanted me to pick the best college for my career and not necessarily my life. He knew Courtenay had been texting me. I sought advice from him once. I had taken some pictures that I had meant to send to you and she had texted me at the same time. When I went to send you the messages I accidentally sent them to her. I didn’t know what to do and I thought my dad could help. Instead he used it to his advantage. He started a rumour that I was cheating on you. I told Courtney those messages
were a mistake. Asked her to delete them but she was relentless. She thought she could talk me into breaking up with you. She would send me suggestive messages all the time, then topless photos.” He takes a deep breath and I continue staring at him, shocked at everything he is saying.

  “I blocked her and she got angry. When my parents started the rumour that I cheated on you their goal was that we would break up and I would choose my career. They assumed that our relationship was just puppy dog love and nothing serious. Courtney was sadistic and went along with the rumour. After you left and didn’t even let me explain I gave up hockey. It felt tainted, dirty and I wanted nothing to do with it.”

  I close my eyes and will myself not to cry. I ran from him, I left him without knowing the truth. His dream crumbled because his parents sought a life for him and wouldn’t let anything or anyone get in the way. I aided in the destruction of his life long dream. The thing he worked so hard for.

  “I looked for you.” He says. “I begged your parents, harassed them really. Send letters to the house, left calls on the voicemail, showed up at the house. Eventually I went into law school. They were the only link I had to you. I didn’t know where you went, how to get ahold of you. I went through a rough time when you disappeared. I called the colleges we had applied for to see if you were enrolled and they wouldn’t tell me anything. I checked social media and couldn’t find you. I’ve needed you to know Ali, that I never cheated on you. You have always been the most important thing to me, more important than a sport, or a career, it's always been you.” He says. “I’m sorry for spitting all that out and overwhelming you. I’ve been wanting to say that to you for a long time.” He says slumping back into his chair. Taking a deep breath and looking up to the ceiling, then looking back down to me.

  After I haven’t said anything for a while. He speaks again. “I’m so sorry Ali.”

  “It was never real.” I whisper.